Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Is a weird day. All normality is gone. I am distractable and aloof. The kids are still in their PJ's and so am I. The first week of Christmas break is always exciting, then all of our company leaves to go home, and I always feel left behind. My mom and dad are in MI, where he is fighting for his life. I miss him and love him, and I wish they were here. Each Christmas is always different than the last. I always try to re-create the perfect holiday, but it always falls short. This year I honestly didnt even try, and it was fine. I just didnt have the desire this year. Christmas truly isnt about all the hype, it is about family and this year mine wasnt here. I was sad...and I cried a lot. But God is giving me an amazing amount of grace right now, and I am hanging in there pretty well....So, CHEERS to a new year! I cant wait to start my garden and hope for a better tomorrow.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

What is it I am trying to accomplish?

What is it that I am trying to do?
My entire life has been one grand attempt after another. First there was acting, I went head first into method classes, improv classes, auditioned for NYU, community theatre....and on and on.

Next came my stint in local radio,followed by nursing school (didnt finish that either).

Then I became a mom, and that takes up most of my time. Being a mom doesnt slow down my ambitions, but it does prevent any serious time spent on other things. I still find time to write, and read books...but my heart is always restless, always searching for the magic fit. I have thought about art school, or a degree in anthropology, or English. Maybe I could be a teacher or something?

But the other day it hit me! All this time I have been trying to figure out what it is I want to do. All my restlessness is due to a rebellion to HIS will. Restlessness, and disappointment, failure and regret. They are all the fruit of laboring for ourselves.

So I am making a change. If I go back to school next year, it will be with an undeclared major. I need some time to immerse myself in searching for HIS will. I see now that true contentment comes from doing "the good work he prepared in advance for me to do". I thought a lot about this yesterday. What if when we get to heaven, we are shown all of the things God had "prepared for us to do". We will see all of our selfish ambitions go up in flames, and realize they were meaningless.

Christians are not meant to feel empty. That doesnt mean we will have perfect lives, but empty? No, not empty. If we are empty, it is because we are not allowing God to work in us and through us. Following Christ brings many things, but it will never bring emptiness. Full of life, and sometimes full of trials. But it will be full.

Matthew 10:39
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

I dont think that this applies only to martyrs. We have to be willing to sacrafice "Our" lives for the will of HIS. All the time I have spent searching for purpose and meaning in my life, it was a waste. My prayer now is that God would reveal the "good work " he has for me...that I may not waste one more day, doing my will.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A week without God....

So I have always felt a deep connection to Christ. The first time I prayed to him alone, I was only 4. My parents took me to church, but they never forced it on me. They were not the over involved hypocritical type.When we were old enough to drive, they didn't require church attendance. They said that if we wanted to go, then we could drive ourselves. So, as a teen I just quit going. While I was on tour, I lived like hell, but I always felt ashamed. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I had a belief in God and knew what he required of me but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and did what I wanted. And I was miserable....completely lost, wandering through life. That's when Tammy showed up. I got stuck being her roommate. She was a Christian, and her very presence made me ill.She never said anything to me about God, but I saw her Bible and I saw in her the way I was living was against God. I resented her. But no matter how hard I tried, we were stuck as roommates. Over the next few months, it became more than I could bare. I knew that I needed to go home and get my life back on track. When I met Jason, he was attending a church in MI, and I re devoted myself to doing what Christ wanted me to do and I felt at peace again. When we decided to move down here, it seemed impossible.The things that fell into place were nothing short of miraculous. My whole relationship with God revolved around what he could do for me. (There is the problem). Once all of our affairs were set straight, I didn't need anything and I stopped caring about God. So that brought me to the past year. I felt lost and disconnected again. So I started praying a lot. But this time it was different, I wasn't asking for anything, I was praying to find out if Christ was real. That made all the difference. For about a week , I walked around with the thought...."OK, so I am not going to believe in God, and see how that settles my thoughts". You know what? I was miserable. So there is my reality....every time I have abandoned God, I cant be whole. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about how to live the faith I believe I have. What I discovered blew my mind. All this time I have been asking God to service my needs. I had it all wrong.
For weeks I prayed and God wasn't there.....I was looking for him on my terms. Demanding an answer. Then it happened, after weeks of searching the library for a C.S. Lewis book, it was just there. I finally found the book that put it all back together for me. Lewis was an educated man. He was not the typical Bible raised kid, who just said the same old thing. He was a converted Atheist. So I started reading, and within two days, I was a changed person. I cant explain it. But you cant explain Faith can you? I started to see that Christ calls us, we don't choose him....he chooses us. When does he cal us out? When are broken and completely wrecked without the knowledge of Him and who He is. I can honestly say that I was almost to the point of suicidal. I have never felt so devoid in my life. The "week I denied God" was the worst week of my life.
So...where does that leave me? It leaves me where I am today. If I believe in Christ, and cant live apart from the knowledge of him, then I have some changing to do. I will spend the rest of my life trying to know His will for me. God is not a cosmic Genie, servicing the wills of man. Christ was not just another prophet. He claimed to be the son of God. That is a pretty big statement, and it leaves you with a decision.In the words of Lewis himself....

C.S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity writes the following: "I am trying here to prevent anyone from saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him [Jesus Christ]: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept his claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse .... You can shut him up for fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that option open to us. He did not intend to."

That is it....in a nutshell. I cannot live believing anything other than the last choice. So with that knowledge, I am required to live everyday completely sold out to Christ. Anything less than that is a joke, and makes me a hypocrite.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Oh how I'd love to see a tree, that stood from days of old;
But they have all been cut away, to fill mans cup with gold

Tis the Season...

For women to ask the men in their lives for overpriced handbags.

If you know me, you already know how I feel, but I think it needs repeating.

You are not defined by the purse hanging from your arm, it doesn't make you special, smarter, or even creative. 80% of church going women carry these handbags like they are some sort of trophy. I know I sound harsh, but come on....why? why?

Lets break it down....

First of all, they are not even cute. They have big block letters peppered all over them, like some sort of preschool art.

Second, they are not unique. Everyone has them.


The majority of women carrying these things struggle just to make their monthly bills. Yet there it is, hanging off their shoulder....all $500- of it. It really is the silliest display of covetousness. And, dont tell me....oh I only like the little ones, and they aren't that pricey. Yes! Yes they are. In my opinon, even a $100- for a purse is ridiculous. The only reason people pay those prices, is because they are trying to make a statement. The bags function just like any other.

I know I sound harsh, and NO I am not jealous. I had to fight off my husband last year, he insisted I "deserved" an overpriced purse. I don't deserve one...no woman does. They are a silly way to waste your money. Charge enough for something, label it so everyone knows it is overpriced and all the sheep will run out to get one.


Monday, December 8, 2008


Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew, And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true That All is not God that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four- And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.

-Rudyard Kipling

Sunday, December 7, 2008

For the love of Dickens....

The truth of Christmas, like it or not is that it was originally a pagan holiday.

Originally the "season of giving" this pagan festival brought about by the Romans, was that of giving to your neighbors and releasing the servants of their duties for a time. The Catholic church sought to replace their sun worship, and replace it with "son" worship. It was much easier to assymilate the culture toward Christ by mixing the two.

When the protestants came along, they eventually banned Christmas on the basis of its pagan roots...the Puritans did the same.

Around the early 19th century, the English sought to save the dying holiday. Christmas was making a comeback. Charles Dickens felt that Christmas meant something, that we should take the time to help the less fortunate. His book "A Chritsmas Carol" single handedly changed Christmas into the holiday we celebrate today. On Christmas day 1843, his little book sold 6,000 copies. It had entered into the heart and soul of all who read it.

An American Industrialist; after reading the book, closed his factories on Christmas day.

Some criticized Dickens for making the conversion of Scrooge too abrupt, but Dickens argued that was the way true religion worked. He said it was the sudden revelation of the "right path" and the choice to follow it and change oneself.

Dickens was a working mans man. His heart was with the poor and underclassed. He challenged us to take this special time of year and remember those who are hurting and in need.

So while the season is still trotting out pagan traditions with evergreen and presents. It is also full of possibilities to do the will of our Father. Yes, we all know that Jesus was not actually born on December 25th. But, I think that this holiday is still the best one for celebrating his life. A day full of generosity and the promise of change. Change of heart, change of life.

A baby........remembered on this day...who is now at the right hand of the Father, watches us to see how we treat the poor. Dickens reminds us all so beautifully in his book that there is still a second chance to choose the right path.

I challenge us all to open our hearts and do something unexpected this season. Stop snubbing people for saying "Holidays", that is not the message of Christ. Worship your savior for who he is...and the promise he brings. Change your attitude, and you just may change the world.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dont hate....

....I dont.

That doesnt mean what you are doing is justified.

You cant ordain or sanctify sin.


Isaiah 5:20-22

"Woe to those who call evil good;
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet,
and sweet for bitter!

Woe to those who are wise in their own
and shrewd in their own sight!

Isaiah 5:20-22

We are living in a day in "The realm of time" where this verse cries out from the very page it is written.People scream at the top of thier lungs, protesting against the law of God. They call us "haters"...the ones who disagree. So what does that make God in their sight? It is not MY law that I try to uphold, but His. The Creator, the Living God. Scream now dear friend. For one day your mouth will be shut up. Your palms will sweat, and your head will bow.

No...I do not hate you, I love you...I strive to love you as Jesus loves you, for none can love as deeply as Christ.

But, I weep

I weep for you now, as you will weep for yourself in the age to come.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I would like to add....

Knowledge doesnt produce understanding, Understanding comes from the complete breakdown of ones self to the reliance on Him that all knowledge flows from. For with Him comes all wisdom and understanding.

When I wrote my blog about understanding, I was going through some serious spiritual termoil.
I have never felt so confused or abandoned in my life. Looking back I understand that my attitudes resulted in the temporary removal of the face of God. I made knowledge my idol...not intentionally, but still it happened. Since that time, I have come to realize that my quest was vain, and self interested. I am sorry for the way I behaved, and grateful that God has chosen to shine down upon me once more. I am not deserving, but willing....and that is the first step. I am thankful for Psalm 53, the only verse that refused to leave my heart during my darkest hour.

Psalm 53

The fool says in his heart,
"There is no God."
They are corrupt, doing abominable
there is none who does good

God looks down from heaven
on the children of man
to see if there are any who understand,
who seek after God

They have all fallen away;
together they have become corrupt;
there is none who does good
not even one.

Psalm 53:1-3

I am finally at peace......resting in the knowledge of the One who is above all things.
Never quit asking or seeking, for if you persist....even unto the last hour, He will hear you and answer your call....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Truth of Understanding

I understand nothing.

That is my truth.

I cannot argue what I dont understand.

You will not convince me that you are capable of true understanding either.

I love Seinfeld, I can quote just about every episode. My favorite lines always come from Elaine. I identify with a fiesty woman who can hold her own in a group of men. In one episode, she is asked what she means ....her reply is...."That means..... whatever you think it means"

Whatever you think it means.....hmmmm how true.

The older I get, the more I realize that is all anything means.

Whatever we think it means.

We are constantly forming theories. So what do we have to show for all of our efforts? Not much...we still come to the conclusion that it all means.......

Whatever we think it means..

So what does it all mean?

Dont ask me......I only know what I understand.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I think....

Most people dont want to understand what you know, they want you to know what they understand.

Friday, November 7, 2008

A friend...

A true friend loves in times of trouble, rejoices in times of celebration and listens in times of confusion. Proximity can spark a friendship,but it will rarely sustain one. People lead busy lives, and even the seemingly best friendships can slowly fade away. I am blessed to have a friend, a true friend. We grew up together, got married together and had babies together. She has witnessed it all. Time and space now separate us, but I love her today as I always have. I cheer her success's and weep for her sorrows.

I miss her.....

Our lives have become increasingly full.Lately we rarely talk, but I know she is there. She will always be there,because she is a part of me,a witness of my life and I of hers. A true friend becomes an extension our yourself. There is power in the knowledge of another persons soul. When we surrender ourselves to another, we forever link our hearts. We become vulnerable and exposed.

Time and experience have taught me to caution the use of the term "friend". I have three little girls who watch my every move, and question every choice I make. My relationships will help them form friendships of their own. I will teach them that loyalty, compassion, and a listening ear are qualities you look for in a friend. A friend should never judge, but should still be able to give an honest answer when necessary. My wish for them is a friend like mine...timeless, and beautiful,through time and space she will always be my first and only true friend.