What is it I am trying to accomplish?

What is it that I am trying to do?
My entire life has been one grand attempt after another. First there was acting, I went head first into method classes, improv classes, auditioned for NYU, community theatre....and on and on.

Next came my stint in local radio,followed by nursing school (didnt finish that either).

Then I became a mom, and that takes up most of my time. Being a mom doesnt slow down my ambitions, but it does prevent any serious time spent on other things. I still find time to write, and read books...but my heart is always restless, always searching for the magic fit. I have thought about art school, or a degree in anthropology, or English. Maybe I could be a teacher or something?

But the other day it hit me! All this time I have been trying to figure out what it is I want to do. All my restlessness is due to a rebellion to HIS will. Restlessness, and disappointment, failure and regret. They are all the fruit of laboring for ourselves.

So I am making a change. If I go back to school next year, it will be with an undeclared major. I need some time to immerse myself in searching for HIS will. I see now that true contentment comes from doing "the good work he prepared in advance for me to do". I thought a lot about this yesterday. What if when we get to heaven, we are shown all of the things God had "prepared for us to do". We will see all of our selfish ambitions go up in flames, and realize they were meaningless.

Christians are not meant to feel empty. That doesnt mean we will have perfect lives, but empty? No, not empty. If we are empty, it is because we are not allowing God to work in us and through us. Following Christ brings many things, but it will never bring emptiness. Full of life, and sometimes full of trials. But it will be full.

Matthew 10:39
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

I dont think that this applies only to martyrs. We have to be willing to sacrafice "Our" lives for the will of HIS. All the time I have spent searching for purpose and meaning in my life, it was a waste. My prayer now is that God would reveal the "good work " he has for me...that I may not waste one more day, doing my will.