To the desk of Vaughn M. Maynard (2 ½ years),
This letter is in response to your request for admission to the Academy of Little Brothers.
Here at ALB, we educate only the finest younger siblings. We are an institution dedicated to the advancement of immature human beings.
Our mission statement reads “We will advance our interests slowly and continually while our parents rapidly descend into insanity”.
Initially, we only recruited the most promising young males, but in 2005, we began offering admission to a select number of little sisters who round out our student population. We find that the female ability to whine incessantly while maintaining dominance over her adoring father will serve to frustrate her mother and in effect advance our mission of paternal demise.
Each little brother/sister is evaluated for their ability to engage in various mind numbing activities: such as, repetitive noise making, paper destruction, and food refusal.
Upon enrollment, our students are trained in raisin manipulation, crayon consumption, remote control covert-ops, cabinet evacuation, and shopping cart tantrums. The shopping cart training program has been so successful, that this year we added a two week course specifically dedicated to the Wal-Mart experience. Our research shows that requests made at this mega store are given little consideration due to the frustration of parents, and we are currently developing a similar methodology for Kohl’s and Old Navy.
After careful evaluation, we find that you are a master in the art of aggravation, and we are particularly interested in your vast knowledge of small animal irritations. You possess large amounts of potential energy ,and you adequately manage your output by recharging yourself ,daily, during school hours; this allows for maximum, kinetic energy output between the hours of 3 and 8 pm. Your squealing skills are exemplary, and we especially enjoy your tenacity with regard to the opening and closing of doors, junk food requests, hair pulling, and booger distribution.
It is with great pleasure that we formally offer you admission to our prestigious academy. Tuition is fully reimbursable if your parents are not completely mental in less than 5 years. Thank you for your interest in our training program and we hope to hear from you soon.
Dean of Student Admissions